My friend Clint recently polled his Facebook following of parents with young children asking:
When you wrong your children, do you apologize to them?
Before we can answer that question with any sense of integrity, the first thing we have to do is acknowledge the fact that yes we can, and indeed do, wrong our children. It can range from parental overreaction, to attention neglection, from a consistent dismissive tone, to unreasonably harsh rules, or a million and one things in-between. Let’s face it, parents are human. Fallen. Fallible. Sinful. Those realities don’t magically vanish simply because you’re dealing with your own children. As a matter of fact, our sinful nature is usually magnified when we’re dealing with our own offspring.
Most people tend to do a decent job of tempering their words, attitudes, and actions in public. We have a certain level of discretion with which we’ve learned to approach our coworkers, bosses, employees, customers, teammates, friends, etc. It’s really easy, however, to get fully unfiltered with our families, especially with our kids. After all, the Bible says they have to obey us... it’s literally written in God’s Top 10 things we are supposed to do. It is your kids job to do what you say. Open and shut case. No room for discussion. Big win for parents.
It’s convenient though, that we usually overlook what Paul tells fathers in Ephesians 6 right after he mentions the beloved “honor your father and mother” reference to the 4th commandment. (and yes Eph. 6 applies to mothers too) Paul continues in the very same breath instructing parents not to provoke or exasperate their children to anger or wrath, but to bring them up, to train them, in the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Nothing quite like setting the bar high... So what happens when you’ve been doing the limbo instead of the high jump over Paul’s good parenting bar?
At this point, we can answer Clint's original question: When we wrong our children, we apologize.
Yes, you read that right. I just told you to apologize to your kids. No, you don’t apologize for disciplining them or for things they are responsible for, but when you’ve done something to wrong your child, if you are in the wrong, no matter what age, it is absolutely imperative that parents apologize to their children.
Now let me be clear on exactly what I mean when I say that you should apologize. When you apologize to your child, or anyone for that matter, don't simply say “I’m sorry,” and move on. I’m sorry by itself is cheap. It’s easy. And in our world, it’s usually empty. An empty apology can actually cause more harm than saying nothing at all. An empty apology plants seeds of hurt deep into a person’s heart, where eventually, bitterness takes root and anger springs forth. A true apology happens when you regretfully acknowledge an offense or failure on your part, you express remorse for the pain you caused someone, and you express your willingness to correct your actions to the extent possible.
A genuine apology has 3 components: 1). Confess your sins one to another. What does it look like to confess your sins to your six-year-old, or your sixteen-year- old? It looks the same as confessing your sins to your accountability partner or your next door neighbor. You simply state what you did in a way that takes responsibility for your actions.
For example:
No - Things didn’t get a little out of hand.
Yes - I lost control of my emotions. No - Some things weren’t said. Yes - I said some things that were out of line, inappropriate, or hurtful.
Take ownership of your failings and don’t shift blame to someone else, to God, or the ambiguous universe out there. If you wrong someone, own it.
2). Ask for forgiveness. There are very few words you can say that will make an impact on someone like hearing you say, “will you forgive me?” You show them humility. You restore their dignity. You convey that they have value. When you ask your child for forgiveness, it does even more than that. You begin mending the wounded heart and restoring a positive relationship between parent and child. 1 John says, our foolish pride comes from this world...not from the Father. Be humble.
3). Seek to right your wrongs. Seeking to correct or mitigate the effects of your words or actions, if it is possible on your part, puts your confession and appeal for forgiveness into action. This is the validation that what you’ve said is genuine and sincere. Jesus’ half-brother James said, “faith without works is dead.” Likewise, an apology without atonement is a dead apology.
“Love demands sacrifice.” - Mother Teresa
Show your children what it means to live their Christian faith. Show humility, especially from the place of parental authority. Neither Matthew 5:23-24, James 5:16, Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 18:21-22, nor any biblical passages regarding confession and forgiveness between people have any exclusionary clauses exempting parents in cases involving their own children. Quite to the contrary, parents are tasked with teaching children how to live humbly as followers of Jesus.
So the next time you wrong your child, take a deep breath, humble your heart, and show them what a genuine apology looks like. We’re always better off when we follow God’s design.
David is an Executive Pastor, Husband, Father of 3 (with one on the way), and a Saints Fan.
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